beauty
love
joy
peace
faithfulness
gentleness
patience
self-control
(1) The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we dont deserve love, we think
if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man called Levine said it right. Love is the only rational act. (2) Sometimes, in the mornings, that's when i mourn. I feel around my body,
I move my fingers and my hands--whatever I can still move-- and I mourn for what I've lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I am dying. But then, i stop. I give myself a good cry if
i need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. YOU. (3) The culture doesnt encourage us to think about regrets until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with
egotistical things, career, family, having enough money--trillions of little acts just to keep going. We dont have the habit to stand back and look at our lives "Is this all I want?" You need
someone to probe you in that direction. It doesnt happen automatically. I have found my teacher. Have you found yours? (4) Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Listen to that bird
on your shoulder, if you accept that you can die at any time, you might not be as ambitious as you are. (5) Love each other or perish. Family-- nothing else can give you spiritual security. Not
money, not fame. (6) Learn to detach. Dont cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experience penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you dont allow yourself
to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached. You're too busy being afraid, afraid of pain, grief and vulnerability. Throw yourself into these emotions. Dive in, all the way.
Then, you will know what the emotions are, and detach. (7) You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And age, is not
competitive. How can I be envious of where you are--when I've been there myself? (8) Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community and people around you, create something
that gives you meaning. Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you wont be dissatified, envious and longing for someone else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed
with what comes back. (9) Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.Think of my voice and I will be there. (10) Respect, compromise and talk openly. Have a common set of values in life with
your partner. (11) The biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. Invest in the human family. Invest in those you love and who love you. In the beginning of life, when we were infants,
we need others to survive, right? At the end of life, you need others to survive right? (12) Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Tears are okay. Life is a tension of opposites. (13) As long as we can love
each other, and remember, the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a rlnship. (14) I love you, Coach. He had finally made me cry.
Above-- excerpts fr Tuesdays with Morrie... (My entries, links and tagboard are in that order -> respectively.)
//-->
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Imagine me and you I doI think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love And hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up invest a dime And you say you belong to meAnd ease my mind Imagine how the world could beSo very fine So happy together I can see me lovin' nobody but youFor all my life When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and meNo matter how they toss the dice It had to beThe only one for me is youAnd you for meSo happy together I can see me lovin' nobody but youFor all my life
*brena*; timed 10:00 PM
Sunday, October 22, 2006
moving over... http://breespoke.blogspot.com
no passwords required.
*brena*; timed 1:32 PM
Saturday, October 21, 2006
signs of a mental breakdown.
You start associating everything with the illnesses you study.
Hypocalcemia --> pins and needles
PD --> lack of initiaion of speech (towards others)
Pragmatic disorders --> you do not respond to others
Hypersensitivity --> you get pissed off damn easily with msn, with here, with there.
State of Aloof --> dont really want to talk to anyone, attend any social gathering.
State of Confusion, Worry, Anxiety and Depression --> dunno what ur outcome is
State of feeling dumb --> doing ur exam papers
DAT --> Short term memory loss. You forget to take the umbrella out. and alot of other trivial stuff
obesity --> you stare at the mirror and go "Boy, Bree. you're getting fat!"
State of self denial --> within the next 14Days, something solid will be done.
Sigh. Mental breakdown.
*brena*; timed 6:19 PM
Friday, October 20, 2006
Being a health professional and being a health professional that watches videos of real patients every week for lectures at uni... i decided to blog on a heavy topic... called "feeling thankful" and "not taking things for granted". Human beings definitely have taken things for granted once in a while. i have been taking things for granted for too long. so it is time to recall all my blessings and thank The Higher Being for giving me my blessings.
Thank you for:
(1) letting me wake up every day for there are people/patients who are not able to wake up everyday
(2) letting me see nice things every day for there are people who lose their sight.
(3) letting me hear things every day for there are people who lose their hearing.
(4) letting me have all my five senses still intact and working for there are people who do not get to experience what i have.
(5) letting me have people in my life for there are those people who do not have anyone to care for them.
(6) letting me have a functional laptop thus far for there are people who are not able to communicate with people back home.
(7) letting me have an education in Australia for i know many others who are envious of my life right now.
(8) not letting me have a TBI or any freak accident for people with TBI or have freak accidents exist.
(9) keeping me safe and sound in Brisbane thus far.. with healthy limbs and working and coordinated limbs... for people with PD do not.
(10) giving me a voice to speak, an ability to help people via my career (rehab rocks) for i know not everyone is born to be a speechie and im born to be one.
(11) giving me parents who will support me by and by, thru and thru, thru my toughest times even though they're far apart. I know im always in their prayers, i am always in their thoughts. though i do not call home frequently, i know they still love me.
(12) giving me friends back in Sg, giving me seniors here.. for i can speak to them whenever in doubt.
(13) giving me a roof to stay every semester for i know people who do not have homes to stay.
(14) letting me experience the speech therapy course without any singaporeans in my batch for it trains my independence.
(15) giving me friends who give me a daily dosage of humour via msn.. even though they like to tease me a lot, it relieves a day's stress at work.
(16) all the difficulties that will be coming my way in the next 2 weeks for every difficulty i go through successfully will make me a tougher and stronger girl.
(17) giving me the health that i need.
(18) making me unattached and single for i know greater things will come my way. and that i can get to experience freedom at the moment. :D
Thank you for everything little and small in my life.
Thank you for everything big and enormous in my life.
Thank you for everything I have now.
Thank you for everything that was given to me.
Thank you for all the blessings.
and thank you, for reading this blog. :)
make yourself happy today. Give thanks to everything little and everything huge. Count your blessings and cherish the day.
*brena*; timed 10:46 PM
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
got back all my mid sem results.. those i did my exams for.. :D its good to see myself passing.. cause there were people who failed.. hais..
oh well.. 2 out of the 3 subjects.. i was short of 1mark to be tian1 xia4 wu2 di2... (ie top in a class of 72people).. which was a bummer/bugger.. and for one subject (cough cough.. NEUROANATOMY..) i was one mark shy to perfection.. but at least i did pass... so im happy.. cause the exams were pretty screwed up.. so, i was happy i passed.. :D as a human being, i gotta know my happiness. and accept all that comes. :) and as for the last subject, there were a few who got higher than me.. but the rest of the class where only around the borderline region.. so i am really really realyl happy and glad that i passed!! :) nothing can beat the happiness of knowing you passed. trust me. i dont care the marks.. i care the pass/fail..
patient DNAed on monday.. (if i forgotten to blog about it.. DNA= did not attend). Anne (my supervisor) will be taking us to genie's for a cuppa. :D and going to the Great Court for some relaxation area to have our clinical meeting next week..
finally, mid week is over. im glad that i finally got all my results back. and did well. :D if i were studying in some other unis now.. all my grades have never gotten below a High Distinction.. simply because my HD is 90% and other unis are 70-80%? haha... yay. that's a comfort. at least i know that if i were studying in those unis, my grades will be HD.. and i will get straight HDs.
okok.. studying. peace.
*brena*; timed 11:23 PM
Monday, October 16, 2006
hmms. 9am before clinics start. God knows why I'm awake at this time. actually, sigh. one thing really bad about me.. when i sleep, i really sleep and that nothing can wake me up. and when i wake up and awake, nothing can knock me to sleep. like really, nothing.. sigh. no matter how tired i can be, i cant seem to take arvie naps.
sigh. accomodation problem just occurred again. i never knew i was paying so damn much for accommodation! it SUCKS.
anyway, what quantifies "da3 qing2 ma4 qiao4"? hmms. i sorta forgot about it alr. i forgot the feeling of falling in love, i forgot the feeling of having someone you love to bicker @ u. i forgot everything associated with love. i need someone to educate me on that. whahahaha.. last night, i discovered.. the only thing i ever do on msn is to get suaned.. hais. there were 2 or 3 people who drove me up the wall last week.. and again, 2 or 3 people who drove me up the wall last night. hahaha... v funny. and for some, it was counter poison with poison.. whahaha. threatening to send them kisses the way aya tries to silent jacky wu.
B: i told you abt my insomnia right?
x: hmms. you did? maybe it was too trivial. lol. :P (i know this person for a long long long long time, q close to this person too.. so that was obviously a suan.)
B: okay, byebye. i dont want to talk to you anymore.
x: hey. relax lar. joking.
B: HMMMPPPHHHHH! BYEBYE. -logs off b4 the person can say another word-
quite fun ar. hahahaha. i dont think that's da3 qing2 ma4 qiao4.. but then.. whahaha.. i am capable of doing that real life to that guy.. whahaha.. goodness.. i jus realise that.. i've been going out w some people in Sg.. who dont really have that kind of sense of humour.. :O oh no.. hahaha.. sense of humour is vital to keeping things going.. at least, the right sense of humour is.
and!! because of excessive talking over the phone over last weekend, it has aggravated my cough.. and thus, WELCOME HOME, ASTHMA.. you reside in my respiratory airways. sigh. i've asthma again.
and ps: yanni likes to call Sam, Em and me drama queens. :D
*brena*; timed 9:15 AM
Sunday, October 15, 2006
woke up in the morning with stomach cramps which are strangely painful and me feeling nauseous. morning sickness? pregger? hmms. no idea. sucks to sleep at 3am in the morning and wake up at 730am just because of damn bad stomach cramps.
as my sem in uni is coming to an end.. my 2nd yr 2nd sem will be coming to an end.. i just wanna say that.. i become heaps nerdier. haha. made some really good friendships w Sam and Em but became nerdier. haha. strange to see how things go. other friends of mine in other states became heaps more happening.. while i reverted backwards to become a nerd... regressive assimilation? (some speech term u all will never understand and i dont wish to explain too)
Some friendships are dying. i refuse to believe and i am hallucinating that it is not the case but it never fails a friend of mine to consistently remind me that the friendship is dying. makes me wonder what will i do when im back in Sg. Pretty sure that friends will not contact me because oh! their new grp of friends are happening and very exciting and im this old boring girl who doesnt club, smoke, drink.. and it is at the age where people club, smoke, drink. it also never fails to make me wonder why people can change so drastically within a span of 2 yrs. and ps: my law on MSN is you dont bother me, and i dont bother you. if you start bothering me after a long time of not bothering me, i will still not bother about you. it is rare that i initiate conversations (maybe im suffering from some forms of pragmatic disorder too. hmms. ?PD or some funny dysarthria?) and so, hmms. lets just say that appearing offline is my most favourite status on MSN. Anti-social? i think so.
never liked people acting in front of me. never liked people pretending that they like the things i do in front of me. so, if u dont like shopping at kino for books, just probably leave me alone.
recently, conversation killer appeared on msn too. so much so that i do not want to even start talking on a topic. it is not particularly nice to have conversation killers on msn.. for eg, you dont go.. "hey bree, how're you today?" you go on to say something like.. "hey bree. (and then start criticizing)" a language sample and analysis on the PROMPT would say that this person is pragmatically disabled. 3 nights and on, and i am still harping on it.
to date, im no one who can judge my friends. im no one to say that they're self destructing, self-degrading their worth.. im also no one to say that they're ruining their lives.. for im no one to even judge. but im also entitled to my own personal opinion, my own choice of friends and so are they. respect their choice, respect my choice.
rattled on at my weekend mail about Mayo Clinic. oh well, i think it would be my last email to those people in Sg.. hurts me and makes me sad to realise that people dont read it and just delete my mails (click and delete). esp when i bother to send them emails? and they're people who ARE once close to me? for those who do and are reading this blog, i know what you did. since 2yrs ago. I know what you did. and since you dont bother, i shall not bother too.
does being 21 qualify the slow degradation of friendship? i always think that the friendster web thingy is a scam. as if for the fact that i added you on friendster, you will be my life long friend? some on mine are just mere acquaintances! and for that reason, i do not even bother abt checking it.
i wonder.. how to ever be there for a friend.. who doesn't even bother about you.. who only comes to you when their new grp of friends desert them. maybe i do it subconsciously too. just that my new grp of friends are my textbooks.. while their grp of friends are humans. how to repair something that is.. on the verge of breaking n spoiling and you dun have any idea to repair it? i seriously seriously wonder how to ever be for a friend who (1) doesnt bother what happens to you over the week (2) doesnt even care.
what pissed off words in the morning.. it is not only others that can get pissed off. behind that demeanour of mine, i still can get pissed off in the mornings. (dont you really just hate mornings that are disturbed?)
right now, i will void myself of all forms of human feelings and communication. spending too much time online talking to people. so, no love, no friendship, no msn, no everything.
its time to start studying.
ps: i will be contemplating a new blog. because the tagboard for this damn blog is giving me problems. dammit.
*brena*; timed 8:56 AM
Friday, October 13, 2006
something happened at home. a very sad thing happened at home. last night. just as i thought my week couldnt get any worse.
i said i cant cope with death well. why does death occur. welcome to the stage of being 20yrs old going to 21. in this stage, you will experience, somewhat or rather, a death of someone dear.
20yrs to 25yrs : someone you know will die.
25yrs to 30yrs: your attached friends will marry, everyone will be pestering you to get a bf/gf. if you're not attached then, people will ask.. "are you gay?"
30yrs to 40yrs: you face death of someone dearer to you.. might be your parents, might be your grandparents.. at this stage of life, it is mid life crisis for most people. do you really think that you're doing what you want? you start to reflect on ur life. what good you have done. what you could have done. you dwell in mid life crisis depression. everything in ur career starts going haywire.
40yrs to 50yrs: death in immediate family is imminent. someone will die.
50 to 70yrs: friends you know will die. those who dont take care of themselves when they're young will die. those who engage in smoking, drinking and excessive dumb activities will die. once again, you face death.
70 to 90yrs: spouses die. friends die. what are the things left in the world for you?
at every stage of life, we face death. im so not ready. i want to be young. aged 0 to 10yrs... where people describe death to you as "xxx is going to a far far away place. he will be happier. he will be protecting you from afar and giving you his blessings. he's just not going to be here for a long time." and since u are young and immature, things just happen and u brush it off. for you will just keep thinking that xxx will be home one day.
sometimes, i wish i had that childhood innocence to know that death is like that.
i had yk on msn for the longest time last night. i just want someone who will keep talking to me.. and i listen. i picture a scene at the playground. me crying. someone talking. just keep talking to me. just keep keeping me company. maybe until i fall asleep on the slide or the swing or the seesaw. that person can just stay by with me, keep me company until i fall asleep and see that i sleep properly. wanted to ring yk up while talking to me on msn. decided against it. i think i just needed the company. i think i really do need the company. nothing he said will enter in my head but at least i know that there's someone there for me. yk attempted to tell me jokes last night. apparently, somehow i didnt find it funny. in fact, i didnt know it was a joke. i had to ask him. he wasnt a bad joke-teller. it was just... i didnt get it.
thank you, yk. thank you, my dear.
at the bleakness of the night, there was people like you around.
death : (noun) a word that i never want to come across. a word that did make me cry quite a bit last night. a word that i dislike. but a word i have to face, a process i have to encounter some time/stage of my life.. i dont like the word. i dont like this stage. harsh.
thank you, yk.. for responding. (because people i thought who cared didnt.. esp those whom i attempted some catching up and disappeared on me recently.. cause im no longer the fun friend they know.. im the weirdo noob in their eyes now.)
ps: yk.. you're the best mate i can ever have. though you do disappearing acts on mobiles, do not check my blog, though you can be the lamest person around, you're also someone who i can tell everything without any reservation & just someone really great.
*brena*; timed 3:06 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
and this is how i look... when i have nothing to do in the library.. when the lib is particularly noisy..
*brena*; timed 11:58 PM
Monday, October 09, 2006
yay. at least one person i know reads my blog. i thought my ramblings would go to waste.
clinics today. 2 DNAs (Did not attend). sigh. what am i supposed to feel.. sad that i had 2 DNAs or happy that it improved from last week?
guys, BGR. BGR, guys. i dont believe that there isnt pure friendship btw two people. or do i? one part of me says i wished there could be something more. the other part of me says that, nope.. if there was something more, im going to get hurt. so, do i or do i not? also, haha.. guys.. i never ever know when they're nice to me for being nice. half the time, when people are nice to me, i never knew that they were after me and it turns out that yes, they are after me.. and the other half of the time, when people are nice to me, i never knew that they are not after me and i thought they are.. this 50-50 thing is bad. can i phone a friend? haha... guys.. a grp of people in the world i probably will never understand. haha.
i asked a friend last night -- when guys are after you, or like you, what signs do they show? haha... i think all guys apply it differently.... for me, i can take the trouble to send parcels to friends overseas, msg them or reply them every time they msg me when they're in a different country from me... and it is all stemmed from the phrase "i treat them as friends"... i think that's one thing good about me being single... haha. all my friends (guys and girls) seem to get much more love from me. haha. for a friend, i probably can do anything in the world.
so, i told my friend.. if a guy likes me.. he shld tell me straightforth in a subtle manner for eg..
in a shopping centre or what.. we both see something really damn pretty (a diamond ring? whaha. cough cough. im kidding).. okay, see something really damn pretty...
B (me): pwha. that's very pretty.
xxx: haha. ya it is. that's something i will get for my gf. i get it for you?
me: gives that :O shocked and "huh!" face and brush it off.. but i will silently know that we've got something going..
the above eg is better than
xxx: Brena, i like you. go out with me.
whahaha... the 2nd example will freak me out.. and it will probably start adrenaline and make me sprint.
also, i've noticed... NONE of my guy friends actually asks the girl to be his gf!!! HOW COULD THEY!! they just hold the girls' hands and they are together... -_- i find it quite lame. haha.
oh well. i feel very inert towards guys.. haha. always always thought that.. being nice is being nice. also, i can almost never ever feel anything from them though there might be something.. i think... i am very insensitive when it comes to this kind of things. whahaha.
speaking of gifts... mum n dad are getting me electronics!! for my 21st.. from the $$ i saved from holding a party, i can get at least a new super cool nice laptop and keep my old one (so i have TWO laptops in brisbane) and an iPod.. :D
and in addition to the iPod, laptop... i've requested for a diamond ring from my mum.. who agreed to buy me one..
to dear husband, you're getting me my next diamond ring, my sweetie dear. whaha. i will make sure that my 21st ring is not as nice and overwhelming as your engagement ring. hahaha... engagement ring will be the best ring ever. dont fret.
ps: jiahui, wrong context....
*brena*; timed 5:13 PM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
love should not exist in my life.
love brings pain.
*brena*; timed 2:13 PM
just now, went out w reuben+pey weon+joyce. the two girls were dragged along by me.. cybercity. food was still the same. still that huge portion.
sigh. it comes to some point of life where u seriously reflect on things. just because u have nothing to do. SM and i once had a really lengthy conversation that led to a debate (i wont call it an argument.. cause i will never argue with friends like him.. haha. he's in NUS Law Sch anyw. the more i wont argue.)
the convo included how im happy with the state of my life now. i have my friends, i have my family, i have my studies going on, i have my life in proper shape and control. stark contrast to JC.. where my family and i had a pretty screwed up rlnship, where my studies was more screwed up, where my life was in a mess. i think sending me overseas was the right decision after all.
i love my life now. to the extent that i think i should not let myself be weak. weak in terms of losing my control of my life. weak in terms of letting someone in. i once had so little ctrl of my life (during JC) and i suffered about 3 to 4 months of aftermath.. and spent 2 yrs and going, keeping it back in shape. too long for recovery. SM says that i have alot of baggage to unload in my next rlnship.. alot of courage needed.. and he also kindly reminded me that i have a biological clock that starts ticking soon... SM also kindly thanked him for reminding him to get back control in his life.
Reason being.. i have been thinking about people around me. close enough to say that they're my best friends.. one guy+one girl can never be best friends. dunno why.. lets just say that.. i have a male best friend and i like staying at that level. losing control is bad for your mental health.
i hate waiting for smses. i hate waiting for people to ring me up. i hate waiting. waiting is a sign of losing control of ur life.
lets just say.. i hate losing the control i have now, on my life. i hate losing it to someone not worth it. i hate waiting. i hate rlnships. (so anti) Alright, lets jus say. i fear them. i cherish control in my life. and i dont want to lose it.
anyw, to stay in Bris or go back home? Mum wants me to stay in Brisbane. My heart tells me to go home to support Jans. i dunno what to do. Rare that mum wants me to stay in Brisbane.
one wonders how i am going to deal with guys now.. even I dont feel like talking to that particular male best friend of mine now.. he's alr partially in control of my life.. and i dont like the way it is turning out. best friends should stay as best friends and should not proceed further than it... maybe im thinking too much. sigh. probably i dont even feel like talking to any guy now.
sigh. 2.48am. time for bed.
ps: i really hate to get my life into the spiral that it did in JC. i really hate it.
*brena*; timed 2:40 AM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
A sad 4th term started...
(1) My 3 patients DNAed on me. DID NOT ATTEND WITHOUT PRIOR REASON. ALL THREE. made me feel so.. discouraged.. waited like a fool along the damn corridor for them.. really. waited like an idiot. i felt as if im not competent enough, i felt as if i wasted so much time on them, hoping they will progress.. i felt as if.. i screwed up.. i felt as if the whole world has fallen..
i even thought that speech therapy is not the one for me. okay, i cried. i cried alot.
(2) In horror to clinics, where i waited 4 hours for 1 hour clinic meeting, i have two more reports due next week.
how to do? no guidelines.. what am i supposed to be? Superwoman?
(3) My exam time table was out. 04/11, 06/11, 08/11, 10/11, 14/11, 17/11.. a whole bunch of numbers. 6 exams. ALL must pass.. I start before others, end on the latest date.. people can tell me that their first exams on the 4th, and they end on the 10/11 with two papers. I tell people, within ur 2 papers, i did 4.
So, am i a superwoman? no, im this girl in Brisbane, struggling.
(4) In addition to that, i was hoping to seek encouragement and comfort. and what i got instead, insensitive remark. I quarrelled with someone dear to me.
Not as if your patient died. Why you like that. Well, IF ONLY i had a patient to start with. Why didnt you understand?
(5) I knocked my elbow against the door. It was the site of my dislocation cum fracture in Sec 4. It ached so much. It swelled.. My elbow had a mind of its own.. decided to rebel.. and there it went.
Was i meant to be? The girl that i wanted to be.. Was i meant to have all these? I thought more than often.. Is all these what i want? Are all the sacrifices worth it for my future which is currently still unknown? Can i bear all these stress from uni? Was i even meant to be a speechie? Why? Am i just pure unlucky to start with or.. why?
So discouraged. Sigh. i dunno how this last 4 weeks of uni, 6 weeks to exams will be. I am down.
*brena*; timed 11:49 PM
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Attention:
I will not be returning to Singapore as early as many people thought for summer. I booked a flight on 18Nov but i think i will be 70% delaying the flight back to an unknown date.
Reason being:
(1) I'm trying to avoid people.
(2) My presence in Brisbane is more welcomed than my presence in Sg.
(3) During that time, everyone will be having exams. Thus, my presence shld be redundant.
(4) So far, i received of zero people in Sg wanting me back (how pathetic) but Sam and everyone else in Brisbane have been asking me to stay on longer.. ok, even though mum sounded very disturbed and sad that im not returning home early.. no one in sg (i reckon) wants me home. thus, im not going home so early.
i am not too sure what date i will be flying home. Im also not too sure what date will be good for flying home since it is an unknown date and i gotta check with SQ. Also, my exam timetable is not out yet so, i cant make a decision.
But since, this blog is for those Sg people who do take time off to read.. Im sorry peeps. I go where im wanted. and im staying.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1843. 6:43pm)
haiya.. why did you not tell me you wanted to talk to me..
*brena*; timed 1:39 AM
Friday, September 29, 2006
just went out with emma and sam to Sizzler at Toowong for dinner.. finally, i get to hang out with my coursemates other than in uni. i think it was our 2nd time hanging out of uni.. first time was Sam's birthday.. the time when Sam introduced Tom and her, Emma introduced Kev and her... this time, it was a purely girls' thing.. Sam, Em and Brena.. i mean, we hang out alot in uni.. like during breaks etc etc.. study together in the lib.. but we rarely venture out of uni cause everyone's staying very far away.. Sam and Em talked about their really fun stories again.. haha.. it was very nice, like... hanging out other than in uni.. saw Matthew's client/patient in Sizzler.. haha.
in sizzler, we talked like speech pathologists alr.. haha. talk about what other methods to treat kids, what we wanna do next time (as in, DUH. speech pathologists but which area to go into), where we wanna work, which hospitals, where to set clinics up.. haha.. TOTALLY reminded me of Tim, CP, Elton and I when we met up at Bean's place.. like catching up.. very sweet.. brings back all the memories and beautiful days and dreams.. in sizzler, we also talked alot.. about our personal life n stuff.. very nice..
in sizzler, we also met a grp of Singaporeans.. you know, sometimes i dunno how to react when i see Singaporeans in places like uni, or in shopping centres.. and when i see them, im hanging out with Australians predominantly.. like, i so love hanging out w Australians and im always the only Asian hanging out with them and going out movies and food with them.. i find it strange to see a grp of Singaporeans.. and like knowing i am one myself, and im deviant from alot of Sg students here cause i dont hang out w Sgpreans, i hang out w Aussies.. so, i just find it strange.. it is more embarrassing like as if, i was betraying my countrymen and hanging out with other people.. ya, like if there was a rule that only Sgporeans can hang out with Sgporeans, i would have breached it long ago. maybe it is because of my course that im the only Asian and Singaporean, i dont have Asian friends.. thus, hanging out w Australians seem normal to me until i see like a grp of Sgporeans hanging out w each other, that i feel that im deviant?
reminds me of my JC days.. where the grp of us.. lionel, ken, SM, jh, es, shook hui.. we all just hang out... saturday sundays nothing to do.. then we just hang out.. go each other's house (it was possible cause we were all staying near.. unlike Sam n Em).. jus that this time, the grp is very much smaller.. and they're all not singaporeans. haha. think i really have more Aussie friends than Sgporean friends here.. but that is precisely the point of studying overseas... if not, how can u actually say that you're an overseas grad? if the Singaporeans here disappoint me, i rather not know any Singaporeans than to know those who make me sad.
Guangxing brought over chrysanthemum tea for Joyce and I last arvo. :D so sweet. the thought was sweet.
it was just really nice hanging out with ur coursemates, other than in uni... makes a friendship solid.. like, this was what i was exactly blogging about.. you know, like.. how i was saying about different grp of people have different friends etc etc... like Sam n Em are the friends i have in uni.. who truly understands the studying that goes behind speech pathology.. everything abt studying n stuff... and like we still can go out and hang out other than in uni.. then when we're in uni, we study together.. we play together.. we hang out.. though it is not often cause Em n Sam have to work and stuff... and i know how Australian students have to work to survive.. thus, usually i dont usually intentionally want them to go out with me.. so, i always find going out with Em and Sam very nice... i appreciate their company alot..
i guess.. no wonder i dont usually hang out and go out alot.. cause Em n Sam are busy with work.. If they were Singaporeans, i would have hang out so much more often like go each other's house and stuff after uni time.. but, they're too nice to be Singaporeans. haha... that's why i think my ability to mix around with Australians and go out w them, hang out w them is a very strong and powerful and amazing one.. cause i believe JH and Es though in Australia, will not be able to continue like a convo as long as i can with Australians.. haha. i think JH always finds it hard to talk to her Aussie coursemates and for me, talking to them is easy peasy.
i've bought Logitech speakers in my room... and blasting surround sounds in my little room is very nice and good.. i love having surround sounds.. and gives me the feeling of wholesome in the room... the music too nice..
Sam & Em! :D thanks for the wonderful night. you all.. are really a grp of awesome people to hang out with... you guys are the coolest people to hang out with!!
btw, Sam is abbreviation for Samantha, Em is abbreviation for Emma..
and ya, i really find hanging out with Australians in Australia is very cool.. cause it is something really nice.. like.. i dunno how to explain it.. but ya.. very nice.. like.. deviantly nice.. and ya, SM, yes.. acquisition of the accent.
*brena*; timed 8:40 PM
Thursday, September 28, 2006
watched too many TVBs lately... watched two series of 20 episodes in 2 nights. that means, 4o episodes in 2 nights. so much of a TVB marathon.. i went on to a simpsons and house marathon. one wonders what i have been doing this whole holiday break.. tvb is really awesome though.
random thoughts 1:
i watched a tvb series on the theme of law last night.. pretty nice & sweet show.. i just like how hk actors chase the hk female leads.. very sweet.. very nice.. the hk female lead is somewhat like me.. she got really badly hurt, turned anoeroxic, family cried, she got back her feet, resit her law degree and got it.. of course, the hk male lead was so sweet and patient in waiting for that girl.. the girl explained this to the guy when she initially rejected him (reads the word initially.. they were together in the end).. "falling in love and saying yes to a person is a whole huge load of responsibility and love. firstly, when you say yes to the person, it means that from that moment onwards, he will be part of your life, sharing your happiness and your pain. It is a long term promise that you give him. that you will love him no matter what happens, even if u get sick and tired of him, it is your responsibility to love him. The person becomes so integrated into your life that if the person just stops loving you and wants to break up with you, you will face the sense of helplessness and handicap that you have never faced before. Such an integration into your life.. you must take some time to consider if you really want it.. I dont really want things to be like that because im happy as the way i am and i do not wish to be overly reliant on someone who im not too sure will actually last a lifetime with me."
a paragraph worth a million words of what i want to say. I dont like feeling helpless. No one likes. I like the feeling of not having someone overly integrated into my life. Because, without the person(s), i feel helpless and that i need you. Attachment was never the way to go in a relationship. That's probably why i say i still dunno how to love a person. because when i do, im not too sure if it is attachment or love. I spoken before about my personal space. How i desire personal space and privacy.. and how people will always find it hard to get near or even in that little big round barrier of mine.. even sending me home on dates will prove as a hard thing because i relate the extent of people sending me home as the extent of people in my little barrier. I'd rarely allow people to do that cause getting into my neighbourhood means getting into my barrier of personal space and getting into my personal space means I will have to be reliant on the person and feels attached to the person and I dont like feeling attached to the person cause.. attachment to me is bad. (once bitten, twice shy.) i was very attached to my ex before.. so when he left me, the world collapsed. I was at the verge of anoeroxia.. people who know me in JC, remembered me as the girl who survived only on honey dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. people who remembered probably knew that i lost a 5 kg in a month.. people who knew me probably also realise that even 3 months post break up, i was crying and bawling my eyes out every night.. people who knew me then, prob knew that it was the time where many people i knew committed suicide and i was being suicidal at that time too.. people who knew me then also know that it was very hard for me to get to the Brena i am today.. and im seriously very scared to return to that stage again..
maybe that's why Lionel, YK, SM, Ken,Es n JH are still my best friends.. because im in a state/country of the world where they're not with me.. because i dont want to be over reliant on them.. so it gives me a sense of independence and freedom where im alone here.. but i know they're always with me in spirit and in mind.. i guess, that's what i called forced personal space. where i force my own personal space by moving to a place where they are not around.. thus, i have a larger personal space.. and by that means that, they're hovering somewhere of being in my personal space but not very in my personal space.. because really, i dont like being reliant on someone.. reason being, people change, everything change.. i dunno when they will stop talking to me, i dunno when they will ignore me.. i dunno when they will stop being friends with me.. it is a self protective mechanism, similar to the porcupine.. in fear of the heartbreak, i rather live as a loner.
random thoughts 2:
I fear my returning home to Sg during summer. I dont really want to face my sister again. I dont really like being at home sometimes... other than ah gong, ah ma, Jans, mum n dad, my friends.. i dont really want to be home... "a place called home.. where is mine?" i have yet figure out which of the two worlds is my home..
random thoughts 3:
it has been a week since i last contacted someone in sg.. this whole week passed so fast.. i used to be v reliant in contacting the person.. but, i guess... i shalt wait no further..
random thoughts 4:
i dont want to spend my 21st birthday alone.. yes, im not having a joint party with esmee. but i dont want to spend my 21st alone.. 21st a legitimate date for holding huge parties that cost a bomb (i rather my parents give me the $ in the form of cash than hold a party where i cant organize).. 21st is a time where people have fun with friends etc etc.. Ken, SM, Lionel, YK mostly have exams then.. Friends who are attached will prob spend it with their gfs/bfs.. i spent my 20th at home, pining for company.. for Jans to come home with a birthday cake which didnt appear until the next day... i had a horrible 20th and i do not wish to have another horrible one again.. my dream last yr was to spend my 21st with the person who is really worth my company.. with someone who really knows me well enough, understands me.. my dream for a 21st to spend it with a guy.. (whahaha. on evil thoughts, it is so that i can get alot of presents from him.. whahaha..) dont think it will be happening.. because dreams in reality dont come true.
random thoughts 5:
as everyone can see, the next person who will actually take me out of the fear.. will be a great one.. right now, being single means... i wont mind the next person.. it is just that i have to see if he's actually the right one.
what a mouthful and long blog entry for a morning.
*brena*; timed 11:09 AM
Monday, September 25, 2006
Birthday List, revamped and updated (25th Sept 2006):
Things for the 21yr old shoppaholic:
(1) A Portugal flag
(2) Anything associated with Jay Chou.. human sized posters of Initial D, Jay Chou.. or anything associated with Jay Chou would be awesome. rather, the best thing is get him to come to my house to visit me. that would be better. i think i might consider marrying you if you did. haha.
(3) A creative iTrigue 2200 or 3400.
(4) Cash would be great too! $$$$$$$ very practical.
(5) Things that i can have here/bring here to Aussieland for my new rm.
(6) Shoes (nice ones and those that can fit my minute size) - spells Birkies.
(7) Clothes - esprit de corps to be specific. nice ones..
(8) A fossil watch...
(9) An iPod nano or video.. (i've a CD worth of quicktime videos of jay chou MVs to put in)
(10) A macbook or any decent looking laptops..
(11) An ultimate Jay Chou collection of all his albums (though i alr have them) and ALL his MVs thus far... just all of him.. (it shows ur effort)
(12) A cd collection of ALL the soccer matches featured in the WC...
right, im daydreaming again.. ignore this entry if u want. lol.
*brena*; timed 7:36 PM
Sunday, September 24, 2006
went to harbourtown at Gold Coast yesterday.. very hard to explain to people that Gold Coast is extremely far away and that it requires a 1+hr drive until 2hrs (last night).. well, brisbane city is my city. not gold coast. gold coast is like fr Singapore to JB and a bit further.
So anyway, i bought alot of things yesterday.. and i was more a material girl than ever... sigh. not that i want. only things that catch my eyes are those stuff. and im proclaimed a full blown Nine West Addict now. so, now, everyone.. cough cough.. my birthday.. cough cough.. take me to nine west. i like the shoes (but they will never have my small feet size of 5 in Australia).. the bags.. the wallets. thanks very much.. and... i went w Tanvi and her friends.. (not in their clique, rest assured)... and.. they all thought that i was an ex RG girl. hahaha. i never ever fail to deceive people... cause everyone told me i have the look.. my ex said i have the look... alot of friends have mentioned that i have the look. so, whats an RG girl look like? hmms. i also dunno.. they only got it the second time around when i told them im a TK girl.
now, what did i exactly buy?
(1) Nine West handbag.
(2) Nine West wallet (to be either shared btw Mum n me)
(3) Esprit Top (very very bohemian)
(4) Nike jacket (its a sweetie)
(5) 2 canterbury shorts
one more thing...
you know how every girl has to have a little black sleek nice spag top dress? hahaha. i bought my second dress..
(6) a black sleek nice spag top dress...
and i didnt buy my nike bag.. sigh. my really softy soft soft nike bag... the nike bag that is so pretty.. sigh... and my lonsdale bag too!! sigh.. cause i decided to stop spending $.. yayness for creating and increasing awareness that im spending too much. haha. and partly because the Nine West bag was sufficient. though the 9west bag is for going out.. not for uni.. and uni bag IS the nike bag.. reckon i got too many bags... i got my country road one too... hahaha. sigh.
And now, im proclaimed to be a fullblown girly girl girl.
Weakness(es): Jay Chou, Bags, Shoes.
uh wells. another day. with friends who are more of acquaintance level than good friends level.. it is so hard.. to find people who click with me.. for one sentence i spoke yday, i was refuted 10sentences.
bree
*brena*; timed 12:25 PM
Friday, September 22, 2006
whoever looks down on what i study especially the medical students... LISTEN UP. next time, if you encounter any patients who need a referral to a speechie, you can dream on about it.
for, i will personally go to the patient and tell the patient that it is his damn doctor who looks down on me.
at this stage of my life, i hate medical students who think that they're the only ones who study neuro, physiol, anat, pharmaco.. etc etc.. i actually had a friend who asked me if i could choose which cranial nerve to study.
WHAT THE HELL. i dont really wish to talk to you anymore in my life.
*brena*; timed 10:42 PM
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I just read a blog that spoke a million words of a person.. I just read a blog that made me very guilty.. I just read a blog that rang Morrie's words (which is the front cover of my blog).. I just read a blog that reminded me of something painful but relieving.. I just read a blog that made me realise that im a lucky girl and that i should not complain about the stuff I have.
The blog was about death and separation.
I am lucky that I have not experienced a real death yet. At the age of 21, it is the time where i have to grow up and face separation and death bravely. Separation as permanence and death as permanence. Those family members who left me are the ones whom i have never seen but heard so greatly about. Those who left me and i've seen them.. are the ones im not close to.
You never know how bad news can just happen at that split second. You also never know when bad things ever happen to you. That was that moment where i truly felt for my close family. During december last year, my rlnship with my family, extended family was trialed by death.. rather, not death.. we managed to get him back.. and he's now healthy.. I dunno how much i cried.. I also dunno how much my mummy did.. All i knew is, for 2 weeks, i was crying myself to bed every night.. For i knew that i was away in Australia for too long, and took everything for granted. Good health, family.. everything for granted.. The mere presence and calling home and knowing mum n dad would answer the phone was taken for granted.. After reading the blog, i realise it had so much impact.. i sorta forgotten that i was already living in happiness.. and i still complained..
I dont think I am mature enough to deal with death and separation.. Attachment was never a good thing for any human being.. Death is... something that.. i dunno.. After reading the blog, i almost cried.. teared in fact..
In case i die any time, i would just like to tell everyone reading this blog, everyone whom i know, everyone of my friends, especiall the following people:
Mum&Dad&Sisters : Thanks for growing up with me, for being such lovely people who supported me through my X number of birthdays, through my whole life.. Thanks for being there for me.. I know times i taken you for granted are aplenty, i know times where im stupid and foolish are aplenty.. but you have always given me the best.. i love you all. dont feel sad about anything..
Lionel: Thanks babe.. For being the guy-friend that i always needed. For cheering me on. For taking care of Jans when Im not in Singapore. You can take over my place in Jans.. and take care of her.
Es: Thanks another babe.. For being that girl-friend i need.. For listening to me, for bearing my rubbish.. For always always just listening.. I hope you're still the Esmee i always know.. and will stay the same too.
SM, Ken+JH: You 3.. you 3.. thanks for being there.. really. heartfelt.
Everyone: Shld i depart this world (sooner or later), i hope that life continues for you all.. as i would like you all to be strong.. so, be strong. for my sake.
Sorry that i've taken you all for granted.. Sorry that i was unable to spend significant moments of my life with you all.. Sorry for being away.. I'm just sorry. for the pursuing of my life, i've neglected you all.. for trying to accomplish my material ambitions, i've forgotten to show love for you all..
Sigh. Im not ready to handle death in any cases. so, everyone, pls take care of yourself. go to the doctor's when needed.. dont let anything happen to you all.. stay healthy.
i really cant handle death.
-bree-
*brena*; timed 8:11 PM