beauty
love
joy
peace
faithfulness
gentleness
patience
self-control
(1) The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we dont deserve love, we think
if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man called Levine said it right. Love is the only rational act. (2) Sometimes, in the mornings, that's when i mourn. I feel around my body,
I move my fingers and my hands--whatever I can still move-- and I mourn for what I've lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I am dying. But then, i stop. I give myself a good cry if
i need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. YOU. (3) The culture doesnt encourage us to think about regrets until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with
egotistical things, career, family, having enough money--trillions of little acts just to keep going. We dont have the habit to stand back and look at our lives "Is this all I want?" You need
someone to probe you in that direction. It doesnt happen automatically. I have found my teacher. Have you found yours? (4) Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Listen to that bird
on your shoulder, if you accept that you can die at any time, you might not be as ambitious as you are. (5) Love each other or perish. Family-- nothing else can give you spiritual security. Not
money, not fame. (6) Learn to detach. Dont cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experience penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you dont allow yourself
to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached. You're too busy being afraid, afraid of pain, grief and vulnerability. Throw yourself into these emotions. Dive in, all the way.
Then, you will know what the emotions are, and detach. (7) You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And age, is not
competitive. How can I be envious of where you are--when I've been there myself? (8) Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community and people around you, create something
that gives you meaning. Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you wont be dissatified, envious and longing for someone else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed
with what comes back. (9) Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.Think of my voice and I will be there. (10) Respect, compromise and talk openly. Have a common set of values in life with
your partner. (11) The biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. Invest in the human family. Invest in those you love and who love you. In the beginning of life, when we were infants,
we need others to survive, right? At the end of life, you need others to survive right? (12) Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Tears are okay. Life is a tension of opposites. (13) As long as we can love
each other, and remember, the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a rlnship. (14) I love you, Coach. He had finally made me cry.
Above-- excerpts fr Tuesdays with Morrie... (My entries, links and tagboard are in that order -> respectively.)
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Thursday, September 28, 2006
watched too many TVBs lately... watched two series of 20 episodes in 2 nights. that means, 4o episodes in 2 nights. so much of a TVB marathon.. i went on to a simpsons and house marathon. one wonders what i have been doing this whole holiday break.. tvb is really awesome though.
random thoughts 1:
i watched a tvb series on the theme of law last night.. pretty nice & sweet show.. i just like how hk actors chase the hk female leads.. very sweet.. very nice.. the hk female lead is somewhat like me.. she got really badly hurt, turned anoeroxic, family cried, she got back her feet, resit her law degree and got it.. of course, the hk male lead was so sweet and patient in waiting for that girl.. the girl explained this to the guy when she initially rejected him (reads the word initially.. they were together in the end).. "falling in love and saying yes to a person is a whole huge load of responsibility and love. firstly, when you say yes to the person, it means that from that moment onwards, he will be part of your life, sharing your happiness and your pain. It is a long term promise that you give him. that you will love him no matter what happens, even if u get sick and tired of him, it is your responsibility to love him. The person becomes so integrated into your life that if the person just stops loving you and wants to break up with you, you will face the sense of helplessness and handicap that you have never faced before. Such an integration into your life.. you must take some time to consider if you really want it.. I dont really want things to be like that because im happy as the way i am and i do not wish to be overly reliant on someone who im not too sure will actually last a lifetime with me."
a paragraph worth a million words of what i want to say. I dont like feeling helpless. No one likes. I like the feeling of not having someone overly integrated into my life. Because, without the person(s), i feel helpless and that i need you. Attachment was never the way to go in a relationship. That's probably why i say i still dunno how to love a person. because when i do, im not too sure if it is attachment or love. I spoken before about my personal space. How i desire personal space and privacy.. and how people will always find it hard to get near or even in that little big round barrier of mine.. even sending me home on dates will prove as a hard thing because i relate the extent of people sending me home as the extent of people in my little barrier. I'd rarely allow people to do that cause getting into my neighbourhood means getting into my barrier of personal space and getting into my personal space means I will have to be reliant on the person and feels attached to the person and I dont like feeling attached to the person cause.. attachment to me is bad. (once bitten, twice shy.) i was very attached to my ex before.. so when he left me, the world collapsed. I was at the verge of anoeroxia.. people who know me in JC, remembered me as the girl who survived only on honey dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. people who remembered probably knew that i lost a 5 kg in a month.. people who knew me probably also realise that even 3 months post break up, i was crying and bawling my eyes out every night.. people who knew me then, prob knew that it was the time where many people i knew committed suicide and i was being suicidal at that time too.. people who knew me then also know that it was very hard for me to get to the Brena i am today.. and im seriously very scared to return to that stage again..
maybe that's why Lionel, YK, SM, Ken,Es n JH are still my best friends.. because im in a state/country of the world where they're not with me.. because i dont want to be over reliant on them.. so it gives me a sense of independence and freedom where im alone here.. but i know they're always with me in spirit and in mind.. i guess, that's what i called forced personal space. where i force my own personal space by moving to a place where they are not around.. thus, i have a larger personal space.. and by that means that, they're hovering somewhere of being in my personal space but not very in my personal space.. because really, i dont like being reliant on someone.. reason being, people change, everything change.. i dunno when they will stop talking to me, i dunno when they will ignore me.. i dunno when they will stop being friends with me.. it is a self protective mechanism, similar to the porcupine.. in fear of the heartbreak, i rather live as a loner.
random thoughts 2:
I fear my returning home to Sg during summer. I dont really want to face my sister again. I dont really like being at home sometimes... other than ah gong, ah ma, Jans, mum n dad, my friends.. i dont really want to be home... "a place called home.. where is mine?" i have yet figure out which of the two worlds is my home..
random thoughts 3:
it has been a week since i last contacted someone in sg.. this whole week passed so fast.. i used to be v reliant in contacting the person.. but, i guess... i shalt wait no further..
random thoughts 4:
i dont want to spend my 21st birthday alone.. yes, im not having a joint party with esmee. but i dont want to spend my 21st alone.. 21st a legitimate date for holding huge parties that cost a bomb (i rather my parents give me the $ in the form of cash than hold a party where i cant organize).. 21st is a time where people have fun with friends etc etc.. Ken, SM, Lionel, YK mostly have exams then.. Friends who are attached will prob spend it with their gfs/bfs.. i spent my 20th at home, pining for company.. for Jans to come home with a birthday cake which didnt appear until the next day... i had a horrible 20th and i do not wish to have another horrible one again.. my dream last yr was to spend my 21st with the person who is really worth my company.. with someone who really knows me well enough, understands me.. my dream for a 21st to spend it with a guy.. (whahaha. on evil thoughts, it is so that i can get alot of presents from him.. whahaha..) dont think it will be happening.. because dreams in reality dont come true.
random thoughts 5:
as everyone can see, the next person who will actually take me out of the fear.. will be a great one.. right now, being single means... i wont mind the next person.. it is just that i have to see if he's actually the right one.
what a mouthful and long blog entry for a morning.
*brena*; timed 11:09 AM