beauty
love
joy
peace
faithfulness
gentleness
patience
self-control
(1) The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we dont deserve love, we think
if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man called Levine said it right. Love is the only rational act. (2) Sometimes, in the mornings, that's when i mourn. I feel around my body,
I move my fingers and my hands--whatever I can still move-- and I mourn for what I've lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I am dying. But then, i stop. I give myself a good cry if
i need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. YOU. (3) The culture doesnt encourage us to think about regrets until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with
egotistical things, career, family, having enough money--trillions of little acts just to keep going. We dont have the habit to stand back and look at our lives "Is this all I want?" You need
someone to probe you in that direction. It doesnt happen automatically. I have found my teacher. Have you found yours? (4) Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Listen to that bird
on your shoulder, if you accept that you can die at any time, you might not be as ambitious as you are. (5) Love each other or perish. Family-- nothing else can give you spiritual security. Not
money, not fame. (6) Learn to detach. Dont cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experience penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you dont allow yourself
to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached. You're too busy being afraid, afraid of pain, grief and vulnerability. Throw yourself into these emotions. Dive in, all the way.
Then, you will know what the emotions are, and detach. (7) You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And age, is not
competitive. How can I be envious of where you are--when I've been there myself? (8) Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community and people around you, create something
that gives you meaning. Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you wont be dissatified, envious and longing for someone else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed
with what comes back. (9) Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.Think of my voice and I will be there. (10) Respect, compromise and talk openly. Have a common set of values in life with
your partner. (11) The biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. Invest in the human family. Invest in those you love and who love you. In the beginning of life, when we were infants,
we need others to survive, right? At the end of life, you need others to survive right? (12) Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Tears are okay. Life is a tension of opposites. (13) As long as we can love
each other, and remember, the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a rlnship. (14) I love you, Coach. He had finally made me cry.
Above-- excerpts fr Tuesdays with Morrie... (My entries, links and tagboard are in that order -> respectively.)
//-->
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Attention:
I will not be returning to Singapore as early as many people thought for summer. I booked a flight on 18Nov but i think i will be 70% delaying the flight back to an unknown date.
Reason being:
(1) I'm trying to avoid people.
(2) My presence in Brisbane is more welcomed than my presence in Sg.
(3) During that time, everyone will be having exams. Thus, my presence shld be redundant.
(4) So far, i received of zero people in Sg wanting me back (how pathetic) but Sam and everyone else in Brisbane have been asking me to stay on longer.. ok, even though mum sounded very disturbed and sad that im not returning home early.. no one in sg (i reckon) wants me home. thus, im not going home so early.
i am not too sure what date i will be flying home. Im also not too sure what date will be good for flying home since it is an unknown date and i gotta check with SQ. Also, my exam timetable is not out yet so, i cant make a decision.
But since, this blog is for those Sg people who do take time off to read.. Im sorry peeps. I go where im wanted. and im staying.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1843. 6:43pm)
haiya.. why did you not tell me you wanted to talk to me..
*brena*; timed 1:39 AM
Friday, September 29, 2006
just went out with emma and sam to Sizzler at Toowong for dinner.. finally, i get to hang out with my coursemates other than in uni. i think it was our 2nd time hanging out of uni.. first time was Sam's birthday.. the time when Sam introduced Tom and her, Emma introduced Kev and her... this time, it was a purely girls' thing.. Sam, Em and Brena.. i mean, we hang out alot in uni.. like during breaks etc etc.. study together in the lib.. but we rarely venture out of uni cause everyone's staying very far away.. Sam and Em talked about their really fun stories again.. haha.. it was very nice, like... hanging out other than in uni.. saw Matthew's client/patient in Sizzler.. haha.
in sizzler, we talked like speech pathologists alr.. haha. talk about what other methods to treat kids, what we wanna do next time (as in, DUH. speech pathologists but which area to go into), where we wanna work, which hospitals, where to set clinics up.. haha.. TOTALLY reminded me of Tim, CP, Elton and I when we met up at Bean's place.. like catching up.. very sweet.. brings back all the memories and beautiful days and dreams.. in sizzler, we also talked alot.. about our personal life n stuff.. very nice..
in sizzler, we also met a grp of Singaporeans.. you know, sometimes i dunno how to react when i see Singaporeans in places like uni, or in shopping centres.. and when i see them, im hanging out with Australians predominantly.. like, i so love hanging out w Australians and im always the only Asian hanging out with them and going out movies and food with them.. i find it strange to see a grp of Singaporeans.. and like knowing i am one myself, and im deviant from alot of Sg students here cause i dont hang out w Sgpreans, i hang out w Aussies.. so, i just find it strange.. it is more embarrassing like as if, i was betraying my countrymen and hanging out with other people.. ya, like if there was a rule that only Sgporeans can hang out with Sgporeans, i would have breached it long ago. maybe it is because of my course that im the only Asian and Singaporean, i dont have Asian friends.. thus, hanging out w Australians seem normal to me until i see like a grp of Sgporeans hanging out w each other, that i feel that im deviant?
reminds me of my JC days.. where the grp of us.. lionel, ken, SM, jh, es, shook hui.. we all just hang out... saturday sundays nothing to do.. then we just hang out.. go each other's house (it was possible cause we were all staying near.. unlike Sam n Em).. jus that this time, the grp is very much smaller.. and they're all not singaporeans. haha. think i really have more Aussie friends than Sgporean friends here.. but that is precisely the point of studying overseas... if not, how can u actually say that you're an overseas grad? if the Singaporeans here disappoint me, i rather not know any Singaporeans than to know those who make me sad.
Guangxing brought over chrysanthemum tea for Joyce and I last arvo. :D so sweet. the thought was sweet.
it was just really nice hanging out with ur coursemates, other than in uni... makes a friendship solid.. like, this was what i was exactly blogging about.. you know, like.. how i was saying about different grp of people have different friends etc etc... like Sam n Em are the friends i have in uni.. who truly understands the studying that goes behind speech pathology.. everything abt studying n stuff... and like we still can go out and hang out other than in uni.. then when we're in uni, we study together.. we play together.. we hang out.. though it is not often cause Em n Sam have to work and stuff... and i know how Australian students have to work to survive.. thus, usually i dont usually intentionally want them to go out with me.. so, i always find going out with Em and Sam very nice... i appreciate their company alot..
i guess.. no wonder i dont usually hang out and go out alot.. cause Em n Sam are busy with work.. If they were Singaporeans, i would have hang out so much more often like go each other's house and stuff after uni time.. but, they're too nice to be Singaporeans. haha... that's why i think my ability to mix around with Australians and go out w them, hang out w them is a very strong and powerful and amazing one.. cause i believe JH and Es though in Australia, will not be able to continue like a convo as long as i can with Australians.. haha. i think JH always finds it hard to talk to her Aussie coursemates and for me, talking to them is easy peasy.
i've bought Logitech speakers in my room... and blasting surround sounds in my little room is very nice and good.. i love having surround sounds.. and gives me the feeling of wholesome in the room... the music too nice..
Sam & Em! :D thanks for the wonderful night. you all.. are really a grp of awesome people to hang out with... you guys are the coolest people to hang out with!!
btw, Sam is abbreviation for Samantha, Em is abbreviation for Emma..
and ya, i really find hanging out with Australians in Australia is very cool.. cause it is something really nice.. like.. i dunno how to explain it.. but ya.. very nice.. like.. deviantly nice.. and ya, SM, yes.. acquisition of the accent.
*brena*; timed 8:40 PM
Thursday, September 28, 2006
watched too many TVBs lately... watched two series of 20 episodes in 2 nights. that means, 4o episodes in 2 nights. so much of a TVB marathon.. i went on to a simpsons and house marathon. one wonders what i have been doing this whole holiday break.. tvb is really awesome though.
random thoughts 1:
i watched a tvb series on the theme of law last night.. pretty nice & sweet show.. i just like how hk actors chase the hk female leads.. very sweet.. very nice.. the hk female lead is somewhat like me.. she got really badly hurt, turned anoeroxic, family cried, she got back her feet, resit her law degree and got it.. of course, the hk male lead was so sweet and patient in waiting for that girl.. the girl explained this to the guy when she initially rejected him (reads the word initially.. they were together in the end).. "falling in love and saying yes to a person is a whole huge load of responsibility and love. firstly, when you say yes to the person, it means that from that moment onwards, he will be part of your life, sharing your happiness and your pain. It is a long term promise that you give him. that you will love him no matter what happens, even if u get sick and tired of him, it is your responsibility to love him. The person becomes so integrated into your life that if the person just stops loving you and wants to break up with you, you will face the sense of helplessness and handicap that you have never faced before. Such an integration into your life.. you must take some time to consider if you really want it.. I dont really want things to be like that because im happy as the way i am and i do not wish to be overly reliant on someone who im not too sure will actually last a lifetime with me."
a paragraph worth a million words of what i want to say. I dont like feeling helpless. No one likes. I like the feeling of not having someone overly integrated into my life. Because, without the person(s), i feel helpless and that i need you. Attachment was never the way to go in a relationship. That's probably why i say i still dunno how to love a person. because when i do, im not too sure if it is attachment or love. I spoken before about my personal space. How i desire personal space and privacy.. and how people will always find it hard to get near or even in that little big round barrier of mine.. even sending me home on dates will prove as a hard thing because i relate the extent of people sending me home as the extent of people in my little barrier. I'd rarely allow people to do that cause getting into my neighbourhood means getting into my barrier of personal space and getting into my personal space means I will have to be reliant on the person and feels attached to the person and I dont like feeling attached to the person cause.. attachment to me is bad. (once bitten, twice shy.) i was very attached to my ex before.. so when he left me, the world collapsed. I was at the verge of anoeroxia.. people who know me in JC, remembered me as the girl who survived only on honey dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. people who remembered probably knew that i lost a 5 kg in a month.. people who knew me probably also realise that even 3 months post break up, i was crying and bawling my eyes out every night.. people who knew me then, prob knew that it was the time where many people i knew committed suicide and i was being suicidal at that time too.. people who knew me then also know that it was very hard for me to get to the Brena i am today.. and im seriously very scared to return to that stage again..
maybe that's why Lionel, YK, SM, Ken,Es n JH are still my best friends.. because im in a state/country of the world where they're not with me.. because i dont want to be over reliant on them.. so it gives me a sense of independence and freedom where im alone here.. but i know they're always with me in spirit and in mind.. i guess, that's what i called forced personal space. where i force my own personal space by moving to a place where they are not around.. thus, i have a larger personal space.. and by that means that, they're hovering somewhere of being in my personal space but not very in my personal space.. because really, i dont like being reliant on someone.. reason being, people change, everything change.. i dunno when they will stop talking to me, i dunno when they will ignore me.. i dunno when they will stop being friends with me.. it is a self protective mechanism, similar to the porcupine.. in fear of the heartbreak, i rather live as a loner.
random thoughts 2:
I fear my returning home to Sg during summer. I dont really want to face my sister again. I dont really like being at home sometimes... other than ah gong, ah ma, Jans, mum n dad, my friends.. i dont really want to be home... "a place called home.. where is mine?" i have yet figure out which of the two worlds is my home..
random thoughts 3:
it has been a week since i last contacted someone in sg.. this whole week passed so fast.. i used to be v reliant in contacting the person.. but, i guess... i shalt wait no further..
random thoughts 4:
i dont want to spend my 21st birthday alone.. yes, im not having a joint party with esmee. but i dont want to spend my 21st alone.. 21st a legitimate date for holding huge parties that cost a bomb (i rather my parents give me the $ in the form of cash than hold a party where i cant organize).. 21st is a time where people have fun with friends etc etc.. Ken, SM, Lionel, YK mostly have exams then.. Friends who are attached will prob spend it with their gfs/bfs.. i spent my 20th at home, pining for company.. for Jans to come home with a birthday cake which didnt appear until the next day... i had a horrible 20th and i do not wish to have another horrible one again.. my dream last yr was to spend my 21st with the person who is really worth my company.. with someone who really knows me well enough, understands me.. my dream for a 21st to spend it with a guy.. (whahaha. on evil thoughts, it is so that i can get alot of presents from him.. whahaha..) dont think it will be happening.. because dreams in reality dont come true.
random thoughts 5:
as everyone can see, the next person who will actually take me out of the fear.. will be a great one.. right now, being single means... i wont mind the next person.. it is just that i have to see if he's actually the right one.
what a mouthful and long blog entry for a morning.
*brena*; timed 11:09 AM
Monday, September 25, 2006
Birthday List, revamped and updated (25th Sept 2006):
Things for the 21yr old shoppaholic:
(1) A Portugal flag
(2) Anything associated with Jay Chou.. human sized posters of Initial D, Jay Chou.. or anything associated with Jay Chou would be awesome. rather, the best thing is get him to come to my house to visit me. that would be better. i think i might consider marrying you if you did. haha.
(3) A creative iTrigue 2200 or 3400.
(4) Cash would be great too! $$$$$$$ very practical.
(5) Things that i can have here/bring here to Aussieland for my new rm.
(6) Shoes (nice ones and those that can fit my minute size) - spells Birkies.
(7) Clothes - esprit de corps to be specific. nice ones..
(8) A fossil watch...
(9) An iPod nano or video.. (i've a CD worth of quicktime videos of jay chou MVs to put in)
(10) A macbook or any decent looking laptops..
(11) An ultimate Jay Chou collection of all his albums (though i alr have them) and ALL his MVs thus far... just all of him.. (it shows ur effort)
(12) A cd collection of ALL the soccer matches featured in the WC...
right, im daydreaming again.. ignore this entry if u want. lol.
*brena*; timed 7:36 PM
Sunday, September 24, 2006
went to harbourtown at Gold Coast yesterday.. very hard to explain to people that Gold Coast is extremely far away and that it requires a 1+hr drive until 2hrs (last night).. well, brisbane city is my city. not gold coast. gold coast is like fr Singapore to JB and a bit further.
So anyway, i bought alot of things yesterday.. and i was more a material girl than ever... sigh. not that i want. only things that catch my eyes are those stuff. and im proclaimed a full blown Nine West Addict now. so, now, everyone.. cough cough.. my birthday.. cough cough.. take me to nine west. i like the shoes (but they will never have my small feet size of 5 in Australia).. the bags.. the wallets. thanks very much.. and... i went w Tanvi and her friends.. (not in their clique, rest assured)... and.. they all thought that i was an ex RG girl. hahaha. i never ever fail to deceive people... cause everyone told me i have the look.. my ex said i have the look... alot of friends have mentioned that i have the look. so, whats an RG girl look like? hmms. i also dunno.. they only got it the second time around when i told them im a TK girl.
now, what did i exactly buy?
(1) Nine West handbag.
(2) Nine West wallet (to be either shared btw Mum n me)
(3) Esprit Top (very very bohemian)
(4) Nike jacket (its a sweetie)
(5) 2 canterbury shorts
one more thing...
you know how every girl has to have a little black sleek nice spag top dress? hahaha. i bought my second dress..
(6) a black sleek nice spag top dress...
and i didnt buy my nike bag.. sigh. my really softy soft soft nike bag... the nike bag that is so pretty.. sigh... and my lonsdale bag too!! sigh.. cause i decided to stop spending $.. yayness for creating and increasing awareness that im spending too much. haha. and partly because the Nine West bag was sufficient. though the 9west bag is for going out.. not for uni.. and uni bag IS the nike bag.. reckon i got too many bags... i got my country road one too... hahaha. sigh.
And now, im proclaimed to be a fullblown girly girl girl.
Weakness(es): Jay Chou, Bags, Shoes.
uh wells. another day. with friends who are more of acquaintance level than good friends level.. it is so hard.. to find people who click with me.. for one sentence i spoke yday, i was refuted 10sentences.
bree
*brena*; timed 12:25 PM
Friday, September 22, 2006
whoever looks down on what i study especially the medical students... LISTEN UP. next time, if you encounter any patients who need a referral to a speechie, you can dream on about it.
for, i will personally go to the patient and tell the patient that it is his damn doctor who looks down on me.
at this stage of my life, i hate medical students who think that they're the only ones who study neuro, physiol, anat, pharmaco.. etc etc.. i actually had a friend who asked me if i could choose which cranial nerve to study.
WHAT THE HELL. i dont really wish to talk to you anymore in my life.
*brena*; timed 10:42 PM
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I just read a blog that spoke a million words of a person.. I just read a blog that made me very guilty.. I just read a blog that rang Morrie's words (which is the front cover of my blog).. I just read a blog that reminded me of something painful but relieving.. I just read a blog that made me realise that im a lucky girl and that i should not complain about the stuff I have.
The blog was about death and separation.
I am lucky that I have not experienced a real death yet. At the age of 21, it is the time where i have to grow up and face separation and death bravely. Separation as permanence and death as permanence. Those family members who left me are the ones whom i have never seen but heard so greatly about. Those who left me and i've seen them.. are the ones im not close to.
You never know how bad news can just happen at that split second. You also never know when bad things ever happen to you. That was that moment where i truly felt for my close family. During december last year, my rlnship with my family, extended family was trialed by death.. rather, not death.. we managed to get him back.. and he's now healthy.. I dunno how much i cried.. I also dunno how much my mummy did.. All i knew is, for 2 weeks, i was crying myself to bed every night.. For i knew that i was away in Australia for too long, and took everything for granted. Good health, family.. everything for granted.. The mere presence and calling home and knowing mum n dad would answer the phone was taken for granted.. After reading the blog, i realise it had so much impact.. i sorta forgotten that i was already living in happiness.. and i still complained..
I dont think I am mature enough to deal with death and separation.. Attachment was never a good thing for any human being.. Death is... something that.. i dunno.. After reading the blog, i almost cried.. teared in fact..
In case i die any time, i would just like to tell everyone reading this blog, everyone whom i know, everyone of my friends, especiall the following people:
Mum&Dad&Sisters : Thanks for growing up with me, for being such lovely people who supported me through my X number of birthdays, through my whole life.. Thanks for being there for me.. I know times i taken you for granted are aplenty, i know times where im stupid and foolish are aplenty.. but you have always given me the best.. i love you all. dont feel sad about anything..
Lionel: Thanks babe.. For being the guy-friend that i always needed. For cheering me on. For taking care of Jans when Im not in Singapore. You can take over my place in Jans.. and take care of her.
Es: Thanks another babe.. For being that girl-friend i need.. For listening to me, for bearing my rubbish.. For always always just listening.. I hope you're still the Esmee i always know.. and will stay the same too.
SM, Ken+JH: You 3.. you 3.. thanks for being there.. really. heartfelt.
Everyone: Shld i depart this world (sooner or later), i hope that life continues for you all.. as i would like you all to be strong.. so, be strong. for my sake.
Sorry that i've taken you all for granted.. Sorry that i was unable to spend significant moments of my life with you all.. Sorry for being away.. I'm just sorry. for the pursuing of my life, i've neglected you all.. for trying to accomplish my material ambitions, i've forgotten to show love for you all..
Sigh. Im not ready to handle death in any cases. so, everyone, pls take care of yourself. go to the doctor's when needed.. dont let anything happen to you all.. stay healthy.
i really cant handle death.
-bree-
*brena*; timed 8:11 PM
Monday, September 18, 2006
The title of this blog entry is.. the magic of Lionel&Co. and the difference between my extremely nice friends in Sg and someone in Brisbane.
mood last night: ultimate moodiness and sadness cause of the same issue again... how i find myself totally without friends like Lionel.. and i think you all will understand why after i write down two MSN convos that took place.
First Convo: Someone fr Singapore in Brisbane.
XX: wei, are you okay?
B: not exactly.
XX: what happened?
B: well, something happened. (at this point of time, because he's not a good friend of mine, i do not feel at ease to divulge to him.)
.......
XX: okay, i strongly think its PMS. I will leave you to sulking the entire night and i go do my work.
Second Convo:
Lionel: dun be sad lar.
B: haha. okay.
Lionel: dont forget u have us. we care for you. remember that. study hard. sleep tite. good night.
B was so touched.
(Lionel knows the reason why im sad.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
see what i mean about having best friends in Sg and not here.. and just someone random in Brisbane? you know, i wasnt at ease to divulge my really personal stuff to someone random.. because he is someone ultimately random.. and i do not want to lower my guard to someone like him.. what kind of shit advice is that for a person having a bad day? i mean, no one lowers their guard and tell personal things to someone random right? and even if i told him, he will go "oh, chey. what kind of bad day is that? you think too much. PMS. " and walks off thinking im childish.. sigh. this problem is so real now.. i dunno what else to describe it other than REAL..
Tanvi said that my problem is short term.. it will be better once i grad.. somehow, everyone here knows that if i go UK to work, i will get to earn $100,000 as a fresh grad.. per annum.. and it is alot compared to Singapore.. one yr of UK, five years of Sg. so, everyone's asking me to go to UK.. even del. hais.. $ at the expense of loss of social life?
sigh. there's every single reason why im having bouts of feeling lonely and forsaken here.. there's every single reason why you just cant find people to talk to in Brisbane.. well, i guess its just because you know they arent the person you can talk to... and friendship given to them will be a waste... or maybe, my criteria of friend is a bit too high.. but anyhows, thru the above convo, you know that generally, people here in Brisbane are pretty nonchalant.. i think i wanna hang out more often than more with my Aussie coursemates. they're not that (i dunno what to write here)...
Singaporeans here in Brisbane, never ever fail to fail me. maybe its good not to have expectations. Rather, Singaporeans here in Brisbane never ever fail to make me realise that i love Lionel, Kenneth, SM, JH and Esmee a million times ever more and that i love them to death. and will never ever have a day where i dont love them. Singaporeans here.. just cant make it. never ever fail to amaze me that we actually come fr the same place but yet.. cant get along.
Lionel, Ken, SM, JH, Es... i love you all.. thanks for being my best friends all along...
*brena*; timed 8:41 AM
Sunday, September 17, 2006
my blog was semi neglected. well, not because i was busy. it was because i have been sleeping too early.
with the screwing up of my ears (ear infection) now going to asthma.. (cause i've SOB and difficulty breathing).. and vestibular system got cranky.. well, literally.. i felt like puking n everything even in my room... that explains why i have been sleeping early.
uh wells. jus read jiahui's blog again. her sis going overseas to study.. if jan's going overseas to study her physics or whatever she wants to study.. i think i will be very sad.. sad cause i wont get to see her.. (unless she's coming here, that's a totally different story)
del asked me about my future plans post-graduation.. cause she will be going to england to work for about a yr with elliot before returning brisbane.. uh wells, that's nice to hear from someone with a partner.. now, what will happen to me and my plans post-graduation.. i have the feeling that in 4th yr 2nd sem, i will start applying for a full time job here in Brisbane.. if i get accepted and i get to start work after graduation (like give me 2 months of break).. then probably i will stay here.. too many rubbish here to clear.. but however, if i get too busy with my stuff and forget to apply.. i will still have my 2 months of clear break to go to Europe to seek some job opportunities and have a little holiday.. if europe wants me, i will stay there to work for about a yr or so.. if all else fails, and im too lazy, i will head back singapore...
of course, the above plans will be terminated indefinitely if from now till any point near 4th yr 2nd sem.. where i find a really nice Aussie bloke.. or an European bloke.. who treats me seriously.. haha. then my path will definitely follow his.. i guess.. remembered i say about how relocation of a girl cause of a guy is something i cant accept? that is because at the stage of my life now, i prob cant accept.. but however, if that guy is really a true blue nice guy.. i prob just goes where he goes..
of course... for even any guy (regardless of nationality) to even enter into my life so welcomed, to even allow me to say "yes, enter in my life".. the guy has to be really brave, really good, really wonderful, really splendid.. because, my fears twds a rlnship are the greatest ever blocks i have along my path.. im too scared, too freaked out.. thus, a guy who will take me out of this current life of mine.. shld be a really great person.. and for a guy to even determine my path (whichever country i will go)... he should be more than really great.. also, im somewhat 55 to 60% happy with my life now.. though the void is there.. so i dont really want to turn 55% to upside down..
looking at the many couples around me, i just gotta say that.. its hard cause even though the bad stuff are happening to other people around me, it is affecting me q a bit... so, hais.. im actually getting scared looking at them.. sigh. brain over heart, the brain is more practical..
alright, time for some neuro. and a week up next... my final week of studying b4 midsem break hits me. mid sem break=doing nothing.. probably go k-boxing and some shopping.. but that's about it i guess.. and catching up with alot of physiology... i've alot to study.. i think im goin to die for end of sem.. so much to study... x2 of mid sem. hais.
oh wells. *shrugs* to the guy whom the Higher Being up there bestows to me, and willing to make my 55% be a 100% without making me sad and everything.. i guess.. lovely and beautiful things will come to those who wait.
ps: i think you've to say something along the line that "dear brena, im willing to be the one who will convert ur 55% to 100%.. to determine ur path in life, for it will intertwine with mine.. :) i will be willing to take on all ur happy and sad days.. be there with you when u have sudden cravings like my chocolate cravings.. hahahaha.. and.. just love you for who you are, support you when ur falling and never even let you fall.."
i guess im in total fantasy even b4 night falls.
*brena*; timed 6:06 PM
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Mood: Moody (just like Esmee's periodic complaint of not having real true friends here)
Brisbane suddenly became a depressing place to live in/stay in.. Today went to uni with Tanvi. wanted to sign up for N.Stradbroke Island trip.. but it is alr filled. sigh. so much of a mid sem break. im doing nothing for a mid sem break. how crap. then, Tanvi saw her friends & her friends' friends.. and ya, they hang out pretty often n stuff.. Suddenly i saw my life in another perspective.
Yes, i may know quite a number of people here. But, i dont hang out with them. even if i do, they're not the people who i click with 100%.. prob about 30%? (you will notice it when i go silent suddenly when im with these people. ever since i came here, im the silent listener of the people i hang out with. i rarely talk.) and even if there're people whom i can click with 100%, they're with the people whom are the 30% and i dont want to force myself to hang out with the 30%s just for the 100% people.. Sigh.
I want to have a group of friends who i feel v comfortable with, feel v at home with, can talk anything under the sun, not feel as if i was being controlled, not feel as if i was being forced to do/believe in anything i dont want to.. I want to have a group of friends who i can get them out for lunch in uni, hang out over weekends, plan something during breaks (eg road trips, little sleepovers).. I want to have a group of friends who accept me for who I am.. not the clubbing clubbing sort.. but have fun travelling around, have fun hanging out, we can study together, play hard together.. and accept me for being serious about my uni work.. I want to have a group of friends who i can just say "head out for lunch?" and we'll all meet up. I want to have a group of friends who on this kind of night will be there where i can ring them up and talk to them.. (they will prob never let me feel the way im feeling now).. I want to have a group of friends who over holidays i can confirm organise road trips n stuff.. I want to have a group of friends i can go over their house and hang out.. study.. cook.. etc etc.
But now.. I only have sparse vegetation of friends.. everywhere around.. but no one is there when u need them.. no one is there when i go "i want to go on a road trip. but who to go with?" no one is there when i have nights like these when i feel lonely.. no one is there when i want to go over their house n hang out.. no one is there...
people make me feel uncomfortable here.. i always feel that way.. other than one or two and my coursemates.. i feel strange being in a land like this.. i look at Tanvi, she has her gang to hang out with.. i look at Joyce, she also has her grp of friends to hang out with.. i look at Billy they all, they also have their grp of friends to hang out with.. i look at my juniors, they all hang out with their friends..
i dont think i can find a grp of friends whom i can 100% click with, form tight bonds with.. at least not here..
is it because i have strict criteria of friends? i hang out with the above named really perfectly well.. but i will never like 100% hang out w them totally cause their grps are just so different from me.. issues like having fun (clubbing when i do not ever desire), issues like personal beliefs, like my strict principles in life.. i cant change all these principles that i have, that im brought up with, just to suit them.. it will not be the Brena that more people know me as.
maybe i should alr count my blessings that i have a group of friends in Sg who are like that.. maybe double lives should not exist at all..
sigh. oh how i miss lionel. how i miss kenneth. how i miss esmee. how i miss Shiming. sigh.. uni sucked all their lives away. im sad.
i feel so neglected.
*brena*; timed 6:14 PM
Monday, September 11, 2006
JAY CHOU'S LATEST ALBUM IS SOOOOOOOO NICE.
okay, not as nice as the previous album, i feel.. but everything about my husband will be nice. :D had a fright over the weekend cause i was out of internet quota. :( that's why i couldnt blog.. but, JAY CHOU.. (hearts hearts)
anyw, i just gotta say im fed up of waiting for replies and that IS it. im not going to bother. heck and move on. it hurts to ignore you, it hurts not to be with you.. but YOU STARTED IT. NEVER EVER PLAY WITH MY STUBBORNNESS.. DIDNT ANYONE TELL YOU?? IM KNOWN FOR BEING THE MOST STUBBORN GIRL AROUND. ASK AROUND AND YOU WILL KNOW, IM THE MOST STUBBORN EVER..
and ps: i know every single bit of jay chou that people know/dont know.. so, never underestimate my knowledge on him.. so, if u try to tell me you know something current about jay chou, i probably knew about ur "something current" a long time ago.. so, dont think im stupid in that area.. rather, dont ever think that im that stupid. :D
its a jay chou night tonight, just like it is every night... someone told me my room is like holding a jay chou concert every night.. and it is true. hehe... im blasting his new album tonight... though they're all downloads... i've bought the original song/album and its on its way. YOU ALL OUT THERE, NEVER DOWNLOAD HIS SONGS. BUY ORIGINAL.. CAUSE HIS $ EARNED IS MINE.. THAT'S CONTRIBUTING TO ME..
on my way back home today, i saw someone. someone who tried pursuing me but failed.. and in the end, came around to backstab me cause i rejected him. he was with his new gf and he was staring at me like as if i was a weird monster in uni. and as usual, im not THAT friendly butterfly to someone who backstabbed me. so, i never even gave him eye contact and walked away... and one question left on my head: why on earth is he still in uni? i thought he graduated last sem and should be GONE by now and leave me and Brisbane ALONE.. and go home w his gf to accompany his mum and godmum.. and i came up with an extremely mean thought and conclusion: "he must have failed his previous sem." sorry, im not particularly nice to people who are mean to me.. and yes, i do not particularly fancy to these people. that's why i am the world's MOST unfriendly person around if u dont know me. cause with a reason, I dont see why i need to be friendly to you, airheads.. (those are airheads part 2, okay?)
yay. jay chou time. enjoy people. and never ever ever underestimate how much i know about jay chou okay?
*brena*; timed 4:29 PM
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Exams are finally over. Now, assignment time. Sigh. When can all these days ever end? No assignments, no exams etc etc. WHEN????
anyway, neuro and childhood apraxia was screwed up. totally. i wrote on the answer booklet during perusal and we're not allowed to. The honest me decided to go tell my lecturer that i wrote during perusal and if it would matter. the convo went like this... (i handed in my paper 20mins before it was supposed to end.. cause i really couldnt handle the stress. sigh. now, im v scared that i dont do well enough to pass.)
Me: I need to talk to you for a moment. Can i talk to you outside the exam hall?
Lecturer: Ya, sure.
Me: Okay, i did something seriously wrong.
Lecturer: Oh no. What is it?
Me: I wrote during perusal.
and to my shock,
lecturer: Nahs, its okay (she shrugs it off) I didn't see it.
Me: You serious?
Lecturer: ya, serious. its okay.
sigh. im so worried. can someone please hope n pray that i passed both neuro and spch?? i need to pass.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.. *begs*
and now, lyrics time... old song by Robbie Williams called "sexed up".. i think in dedication to everyone i know.. who.. broke up.. or rather, those people who.. dare to say the word "break up".. how i wish i could have the courage to. but oh well, haha. not as if im going to say it or get a bf just to say it.. cause i know, my next bf will not be the one i want to say these words to.. cause he's going to be my angel, im going to be his.. we're going to love each other forever n ever. :)
and i will never ever sing this song to anyone.
"Sexed Up"
Loose lips sunk ships
I'm getting to grips with what you said
No it's not in my head
I can't awaken the dead
Day after day
Why don't we talk about it
Why do you always doubt that there can be a better way
It doesn't make me wanna stay
Why don't we break up
There's nothing left to say
I got my eyes shut
Praying they won't stray
Oh we're not sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
You say we're fatally flawed
When I'm easily bored
Is that OK?
Write me off your list
Make this the last kiss
I walk away
Why don't we talk about it?
I'm only here don't shout it
Give 'em time, you'll forget
Let's pretend we never met
Why don't we break up?
There's nothing left to say
I got my eyes shut
Praying they won't stray
Oh we're not sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
Screw you
I didn't like your taste anyway
I chose you
That's all go to waste it
It's Saturday
I'll go out and find another you
Why don't we?
Why don't we break up?
There's nothing left to say
I got my eyes shut
Praying they won't stray
Oh we're not sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
I hope you blow away
I hope you blow away
*brena*; timed 8:51 PM
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Exams no1 down. it was adult lang. SIGH. i hope i passed.
two songs i want to post..
First: by BSB.. quite an old song.. song from last semester..
Backstreet Boys - Just Want You To Know Lyrics
Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night
Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me
*I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come backto me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know
All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away
repeat *
That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else
I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never
end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back
to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know
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aww. such a sweet song for people who really desperately wants to patch up.. but i think.. no matter how sweet the song, if it was sung to me, i probably will still ignore it.. cause im a person who believes that once a love dies/fades, it dies. im not someone who goes back to eat the same patch of grass (translation from chinese. directly.)
next song: by my hubby Jay Chou.. :) latest album, still a fantasy.. (hearts hearts)
Song Title: Thousand Miles Away.
The house is like the bells hanging in the wind, facing the sea.. I am waiting for the bird to fly back
Due to the planning of time, a little accident, you actually left me quietly
This city is filled of mist that cant be cleared, and so is my vision.. It became blurred.
You cant hear the wind, you're not even present.. It is actually me sighing in the wind.
While i was dreaming, i woke myself up. Wondered who wrote the ending of the story.
The future, so bleak, so thin, so unpredictable. Unable to resist whoever was tearing us apart.
I send you a thousand miles away. You were so quiet.
During those quiet moments, maybe it was not meant to have a love so far apart.
I send you away, until the ends of the world. Are you even there?
Where does the piano sound come from? Living and dying.. so unpredictable.
We'll use a lifetime to wait..
(A paragraph that i dont understand cause the chinese is too hard.. but along the line, it reads Im waiting for you to be back.)
A piece of transparent glass that shows dust.. with your flawless love
You came back from the rain, I am still wet.
I look at the sea, the boat, hoping you're back.. but you're not.
Those days where u said the flowers will bloom, it has just become merely words.
While i was dreaming, i woke myself up. Wondered who wrote the ending of the story.
The future, so bleak, so thin, so unpredictable. Unable to resist whoever was tearing us apart.
I send you a thousand miles away. You were so quiet.
During those quiet moments, maybe it was not meant to have a love so far apart.
I send you away, until the ends of the world. Are you even there?
Where does the piano sound come from? Living and dying.. so unpredictable.
We'll use a lifetime to wait..
I send you a thousand miles away. You were so quiet.
During those quiet moments, maybe it was not meant to have a love so far apart.
I send you away, until the ends of the world. Are you even there?
Where does the piano sound come from? Living and dying.. so unpredictable.
We'll use a lifetime to wait..
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I suck at translating cause my chinese IS really going downhill... haha. really really bad cause i have not spoken Chinese since i came over.. and uhm.. it has been 2 years since i came over. Also, i have yet spoken Chinese since JC.. so, it is... 4-5years since i last encountered.. i also actually forgotten how to write my chinese name.. so, sorry for the irking translation.. i know it sucks... but the lyrics to my hubby's song is so nice..
Jay Chou's song fully fully fully reflects my mood sometimes.. Maybe it was meant to be that we are apart.. cause when we're apart, we talk more than we are together.. I miss you lots.. Sometimes i really wish you were here.. Cause u understand how i feel.. you are always part of my world, part of me.. sigh.. your most innocuous msg really shook me.. "so, was it because ur studying so hard that you forgotten to msg me?" Dude, you didnt reply me first.
sigh. why. why always so innocent.
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anyway, i talked to Ellie (short for Eleanor), my clinic partner.. SHE as an Aussie ALSO reckons that Speech is a course where we can never find time for social life, dont mention boyfriend. Cause there's this guy she's seeing, a family friend.. and like, ever since uni started, she has not met him, phone him etc etc.. and the guy actually asked ard the family if there was sth wrong and why she's not talking.. SO, it is not only me who has signed up for a degree that cost me a social life or cost me a life of nun-ship. hahahahaha.. Even Ellie finds it hard and has stopped seeing a guy. not my fault.
madness are people who can handle both.. unless the guy stays with the girl (in Sam's and Emma's case.)
*brena*; timed 9:35 PM
Steve Irwin- croc hunter died.. Many people putting turtles on their MSN nicks to show respect to him. HUH. i think got more practical ways..
(1) Increase awareness of wildlife animals thru non-dangerous ways.
(2) Stingray Awareness Day?
(3) Go study environmental biology or something.
(4) Take care of wildlife.
PLS. if putting turtles actually will raise funds for Steve Irwin and his foundation or what, i will put a million. but if not, please dont be so not practical to put turtles.. there're more practical ways to show respect to him.
PLSPLS: catch stingrays, cook them with asam, feed me. it will make them lesser in population, and make me full. WIN-WIN situation..
wth??!!
*brena*; timed 12:03 AM
Monday, September 04, 2006
"You have pulled for me in life. I found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed, sometimes even in my lowest moments. And I've found generosity. You have given me your shoulders to stand on to reach for my dreams, dreams I could never have reached without you. Over the last 21 years, I have found you, and I will take you and the memory of you with me for the rest of my life."
Andre Agassi said that for his last tennis tournament.. Over the weekend, horrible things happened.. I thought I would just pop u to tell u that it was the longest weekend ever.. you didnt really bother.. (not even a sms..)
Time to take you and the memory of you with me for the rest of my life.
A past tense.
I hate it when i gotta say that to you.
Exams n assignment time.
*brena*; timed 9:23 AM
Sunday, September 03, 2006
my aussie neighbour, del, is engaged!!! :) getting married soon, i guess.. im not too sure about that. :) she's a 2nd yr, doing Occupational Therapy (OT)... hehe... and she just turned 21 yesterday.. her bf proposed to her on her 21st birthday... they went skydiving..
lol... such a romantic 21st.. haha. jus saw her and she had the "glow" on her face.. tell you, brides reallly reallly look exceptionally pretty and really really glowy.. i dunno... people in love are always having that glow... and its something only outsiders can tell...
haha.. and, got alot of people also say that i look very loved, very glowy too... but i also dunno why they say that... cause... im neither engaged nor married.. not to mention, im not even attached. haha.
the glow comes from within, i guess.
ps: attached are two photos that shock SM and i got quite a number of people querying if the person is me.. and yes, it is me.. i jus had straighter hair, longer hair that's all... and uhm, SM & the rest, you guys saw me for the whole of my winter holidays.. and why only in photos that u cant recognise me.... hais.. you all were like the people who saw me, you know.. not as if since then, i changed alot... it was only 1 month ago...
*brena*; timed 7:21 PM
Saturday, September 02, 2006
over with the stress.
die means die.
*brena*; timed 6:18 PM
Friday, September 01, 2006
i went to my long long ago friendster account. and took a sneak peek at myself and how i morphed from JC till now. and i only had one question (maybe a few): WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME I LOOKED LIKE A MONSTER IN JC AND ALL THE WAY UNTIL LAST YR!!!! GOODNESS. at least i look normal now. maybe next sem, when i have my new look, i will look back again at this sem and claim that i look like a monster again.. but nveless, this is the transition and what Australia did to me... from that girl who knew nothing and absolutely nothing about skirts and dressing up.. to a girl who's mad about skirts... and at least, i dare to have that face of mine when i go out... oh ya, and a second question: how on earth did i actually dare to go out last time with that face, hair etc etc of mine?... i think my friends are very nice not to tell me i look like a monster.
and here it goes: my little history:
when i was young, i looked like this. my mum n dad said i looked v naughty and indeed, i was brought up as a naughty kid.
at this time, i was alr waiting to get married.. nahs, kidding.. i was the flower girl to my unc's wedding..
and as days went by,
this was how i looked when i turned 18.. haha. with my JC friends, we went out after prom to sentosa.. to celeb es' n my birthday.. SHESH. this was the time i looked like shit and those are friends who accepted me for who i am, not for how i look.. (hearts hearts) i look like shit. a monster. a klutz. yucks. i detest how i looked.
and i didnt know how shit i looked last yr during VD at Grace... and i thought i looked pretty decent, but to my great disappointment, NO. and when i looked back, i feel as if, i cheated myself and the whole world... i really looked like a monster, dont i?
and i thought those days were over.. those days i looked like a monster... hahaha. sigh. and i gladly took so many photos without realising that I am a monster... =x i seriously do look like one last yr... sigh. no one told me. lol. uh, if they do i would have killed them anyway. so the yr of 2005 passed with me having alot of photos, without realising i was a monster. and i was a monster in 2005.
with the help of some pretty skirts that i discovered in 2006 and the start of my addiction towards pretty and nice skirts (and i will continue with my addiction for skirts).. i discovered a girly side of myself which i mus say, change some of my previous appearances.. i guess i looked less like a monster, but still a monster...
uh... monstrous? i was never a beauty, still not am, will not be and will never be. lol.
looking decent was never ever my forte, and will not be my forte ever... sigh... why am i so not photogenic. dammit. jans stole those genes.
finally, i took the plunge and rebonded my hair.. and that's how i look now... as monstrous. :( sigh.
kenneth's bday..
sigh. to everyone who's up there on those photos or to everyone who had taken a photo with me for the past 20yrs and 9 months, im so sorry that i look so horrific and monstrous.. and u had to take photos with me... i guess, that made u all look a little prettier and more handsome.. when ur standing beside me... sigh sigh... jans stole those genes..
bree
*brena*; timed 8:40 PM