beauty
love
joy
peace
faithfulness
gentleness
patience
self-control
(1) The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we dont deserve love, we think
if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man called Levine said it right. Love is the only rational act. (2) Sometimes, in the mornings, that's when i mourn. I feel around my body,
I move my fingers and my hands--whatever I can still move-- and I mourn for what I've lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I am dying. But then, i stop. I give myself a good cry if
i need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. YOU. (3) The culture doesnt encourage us to think about regrets until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with
egotistical things, career, family, having enough money--trillions of little acts just to keep going. We dont have the habit to stand back and look at our lives "Is this all I want?" You need
someone to probe you in that direction. It doesnt happen automatically. I have found my teacher. Have you found yours? (4) Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Listen to that bird
on your shoulder, if you accept that you can die at any time, you might not be as ambitious as you are. (5) Love each other or perish. Family-- nothing else can give you spiritual security. Not
money, not fame. (6) Learn to detach. Dont cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experience penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you dont allow yourself
to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached. You're too busy being afraid, afraid of pain, grief and vulnerability. Throw yourself into these emotions. Dive in, all the way.
Then, you will know what the emotions are, and detach. (7) You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And age, is not
competitive. How can I be envious of where you are--when I've been there myself? (8) Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community and people around you, create something
that gives you meaning. Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you wont be dissatified, envious and longing for someone else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed
with what comes back. (9) Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.Think of my voice and I will be there. (10) Respect, compromise and talk openly. Have a common set of values in life with
your partner. (11) The biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. Invest in the human family. Invest in those you love and who love you. In the beginning of life, when we were infants,
we need others to survive, right? At the end of life, you need others to survive right? (12) Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Tears are okay. Life is a tension of opposites. (13) As long as we can love
each other, and remember, the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a rlnship. (14) I love you, Coach. He had finally made me cry.
Above-- excerpts fr Tuesdays with Morrie... (My entries, links and tagboard are in that order -> respectively.)
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Today is a sad day.. :( anyway, i gotten my results for last sem last night. a few distinctions, a few credits.. not v happy w the results but i glad i passed some w better grades than the others.. anyway, i am so freaking tired now. awaiting the results of the IOC thingy.. Madrid or Paris better get the final vote.. then i can go on my holiday to Europe. :) madrid cause i can sit aeroplane fr there to Venice. Paris cause i like that place. nothing to do with romance. If i am fated to go there alone and be single for the rest of my life, i will.
Jus now, witnessed a family tragedy in the hospital.. very sad. i aint going to type it out cause of confidentiality issues (i can get jailed) but it was so sad... that i teared on my way outta hospital.. teared when i reached home.. jus feeling crappy and emotional lar~ sighz. to be a healthcare professional, you gotta fight those tears back.. that's why i ren all the way from the wards to the lift and outta the hospital.. i dont want to be a robot w/o emotions. sighz.. it was really sad.. really tragic. sigh.
Reason why i am so tired, last night, talked to junhao for q some time.. one of the people i can talk alot of crap to.. but, it was one of the very nice and sensible conversations i have with people on MSN.. (very rare to have such conversations cause i have quite few sensible conversations.. only ones are those emails w tim n to my sisters).. junhao is one of his friends.. after the conversation last night, made me think about everyth.. reasons for alot of things... realize that when things, especially relationships, reach a point of stagnation and fossilization, its going the wrong way.. and i think, all those stuff about me n him, those sweet memories.. they're meant only to be memories not to be relived.. this means that fr now on, i dont think i wanna have anything else to do with him anymore.. cause i dont like stagnation and fossilization.. and i am sick and tired of trying.. so, i giving up lor... junhao say if you like sth, must fight for it.. the thing is.. when things get ptless, then it is ptless. so, hanging on there also no use. give up. my elder sis, my mum also told me alr.. in fact, they tried to restrain me from going out last night w him.. so, i know they do things for my own good, shall jus listen to them alr.. they told me to move on with life and forget abt him. losing contact with a person nowadays can be so easy for me. jus dont tell the person when i am back fr Brissieland, when i am going, drop no emails. and i tihnk i can be very easily and readily forgotten. only v few people have my aussie number (i tihnk if i pop by a birthday sms, then you will have it) so, it makes things easier for me to forget abt things in Sg, people (HIM) in Sg.. i know its cowardice of me to just leave Sg and leave things just like that.. escape fr reality. but let me be for while.. my little shell needs me. I am a hermit. Thought about alot of things actually.. Thought about leaving people behind again. Come 23rd july, i will be at the departure gates. This time, alone. No parents accompanying me there, no one i know sitting the same flight back as me (cause its the latest Qantas flight anyone studyg can get.. Sun morn reach. Monday got 10hr straight lecture+tute. unpacked and rm not yet arranged. die.) leaving people behind. i am very scared my mum n sis will cry again.. so, i myself cant show a drop of tear again.. everytime leave Sg like that. cant cry. jus now in the hosp, was thinking abt the family tragedy and putting myself in their shoes.. like if it was my mum or my sis ard, i will burst out crying one.. what a crybaby.
Thought about things that are not worth of me leaving behind as well.. Like, 4yrs after i graduate, if there's nothing worth in Sg for me to be home n working in Sg (other than my family), (ie, no relationship committment=no husband or bf to worry about) i might want to just move over to Melbourne City.. stay near Jason's place.. then at least i got pp to help me ard in Melb.. work in Royal Melbourne for about a yr or two.. if i am happy, i stay there. not happy, come back Sg. if not happy, i work in the States or UK (speechies earn UK$ 10000 per month lar! and speechies are wanted in all parts of the world if you dunno.) running away from Sg yet agn.. actually i am q relieved that i am studyg overseas. so tt i can run away anytime i like.. run baby run.. ya lar. if nothing in Sg is worth for me to come back, come back for what..
Sometimes i really hope i can get my life back.. Sighz. To set the record straight, fr today, 6July 2005, 5.33pm, i declare that i am not in love. Pure single. No one in my heart. Before any guys start screaming hurray, the sad part is no one can steal my heart away from now. Going to be fiercely more independent right now.. The part of my brain that controls relationship just died last night. passed away. Single but not yet available.. Unless im really ready (which is not now) and im really sure the guy is the one who will never hurt me.. if not, no way. not yet. was telling junhao.. if happiness fr a rlnship will ultimately emerge as hurt from a breakup, then happiness+hurt comes in hand in hand. For every happiness i feel, i will get 10x the hurt. So, i wont jeopardize myself now. I rather sacrifice the happiness if i were to get hurt. So, rlnship is a no-no. cause the fear of getting hurt exceeds the need of getting happiness... sighz.. rlnships really hurt people. Only friendship doesnt. that's why everyone should be friends now. (as for my fascination over jay chou, i recognise that it is sth that is impossible. its a fascination..haha. as long as i can find a guy who looks like him and has talent like him, he will remain a fascination that i love.)
Sigh. For every happiness i feel, i get hurt. its the same. now, i meeting w all my classmates. i dunno when will be the last time i ever see them again, that's hurt. even though i am happy during the whole outing thing, i will still be sad that i dunno when's the next time i am seeing them.. Sigh. so melancholic right.. anyway, i know i violated some words on my welcome pg that morrie said about giving away love and what comes back overwhelms you. Ya, i love but i get hurt. i have to start self defense and protect myself fr hurt. Only way is to hide in my hermit and never to go out of my shell again. i shall travel to paris and/or madrid alone. If i am meant to be single for life, i will. Wont fight with destiny and fate.
-brena-if hurt comes to me once, it haunts me forever. I got hurt once and it shall haunt-
-i may have a dozen and one scars on me. but the one that hurts, is the one that is right through my heart-
*brena*; timed 7:10 PM